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Friday, August 10, 2012

Leaked Script For Rob Pattinson & The Jon Stewart Daily Show

Clap clap clap! 

Hey Rob good to see you!  I hear you had your heart ripped out and I wasn't sure you'd make it!

Yeah, I did, opening his shirt and showing a large red gash.

She didn't even sew my shirt back up. Kristen's a vampire now you know. She devours blood! And men!

I hear you two had a big fight and you left in the middle of the night!

We did. I did. I am still furious. Can you imagine that she was papped in broad daylight making multi-millions for the magazines, the talk shows, the TV heads, the comics like you, and she didn't sign them to a contract first! What was she thinking! She didn't get a CUT out of this at all. Not one nickel. Now we have to move to another house that's more secluded and that's going to cost money big time. AND THE BITCH DIDN'T EVEN EVEN GET A CUT TO HELP US DO THAT! You bet I'm angry. I'm still ripping heart out mad. 

No CUT, no CUT at all. That was really stupid. 

I can't believe it either. She got paid well for every little kiss and peck from Edward, why not from Rupert. And you know what she said! This is the worst!

She said well, Rupert gave me a kiss that went Around The World in far fucking less than 80 Days. How come you never gave me a kiss that traveled that fucking fast?

I mean how do you answer that one. Tell me.

That is a good line I must admit. Maybe she should come on this show.

Good idea. I'll make sure she gets paid though. 

This time.

And then she said, "Besides Edward is nicer than you are." 

Edward is nicer than I am! No way! I told her I take her with me when all my adoring girlfans solicit me. She sees all the camera shots I do with them, all the autographs I sign like the nice guy I am.

Then she says to me, get this, you never get any money for those camera shots. You don't even take a donation jar with you. Joe DeMaggio, now that was a real man, wouldn't even sign a baseball from a game unless the fan paid him for it right then and there. No credit cards all over then. And you sign every little bit of toilet paper they bring for you to sign. I hate to think what they do with YOUR signature. DARLING!

So to distract her I changed the subject. I told her that she was never to let a strange man in her car. She knew that. Then I told her you are NEVER to allow even a friend in your car. Not Jacob Black, even if he will be my son in law. NEVER! And I am screaming at her about this. Her eyes get all wide and big. And that's final I say to her. 

What if you had gotten into the limo with Eric Packer??!! Jesus do you know what he might have done to you? Fucked you while he stun gunned you! That guy can't be trusted.

Then she said I would never get in a white limo, all clean and fancy, unless I was going to a premiere or something. I would never get in a limo with someone with dark windows for secrecy. How would the papps ever know I was in there? How could they papp me if the windows were O_PAQUE stupid! How could I give them the finger. That's my trademark sign. That's how people know I'm Kristen Stewart. It's my signature stupid. I need the papps to see that to keep my image in the public eye.

Well it's sure in the public eye now baby I said to her. That shut her up.

Then she told me she needed to be punished. So she invited me to our playroom. It's all in red you know, just like Fifty's. 

You want to be punished?

Yeah she says, that's what's next isn't it? Doesn't the story go that way? Did I forget something? 

Fifty! You want me to play Fifty now? 

No, not on the big screen, just here, home, with me. I may hate you but I'll still call you baby. 

Where is she tonight.

In the playroom, the red one, waiting and anticipating her punishment. What did you think?  Did you think I'd leave her alone free to go out and stuff. No, she's well restrained imagining what I'm going to do to her when I return after a few days. 

There's more coming! No pun intended.

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